January 4, 2006: "Let’s Eat" or "Feeling Crabby"

The etiquette rules associated with dining serve two broad purposes: First, they allow us to eat our dinners as tidily as possible (many table-manners rules are based on nothing more than common sense) and with as little disturbance (or annoyance) of our tablemates as possible.

Second, they allow us to participate in, and demonstrate our knowledge of, common societal rituals -- eating with other people is the very basis of human civilization, and it is an activity worthy of reverence. At the table, we do some things simply because "that’s the way they are done." Many people feel somewhat freer to flout this type of rule. (They may believe, for instance, that eating mashed potatoes with their hands is an expression of their individuality. These iconoclasts are not usually invited to dinner at the same home twice.)

Of course, errors of etiquette that occur because of differing customs, or because of simple ignorance, are absolutely forgivable (indeed, a polite person does his or her best to overlook them). But when you ignore the rules or have obviously made no effort to learn them (they are not at all difficult to learn), you are saying, in effect, "I don’t care about the people I’m eating with. I don’t care about the society I am a part of. And I don’t care about anything right now as much as I care about satisfying my appetite as speedily as possible."

Please bear in mind that most people do not find this attitude very attractive. And now on to this week’s question:

Dear Charles,

My husband and I are trying to bring up two ten-year-olds to be polite young ladies. This is a rather difficult thing for me -- I don’t know how my mother did it! When eating in a restaurant the other night, one daughter was eating pre-cracked crab legs. She was pulling out the meat with her fingers and dipping it into the drawn butter. I corrected her, asking that she please use her fork. My brother then corrected me, telling me that it is OK to eat crab legs with your fingers. Which is the proper way to do this? My brother’s theory is that this was like eating a chicken leg, which is fine to eat with your fingers. My theory is that she was dipping it, and for some reason or another, my girls seem to prefer licking their fingers to using a napkin. This drives me crazy, so I tell them to always use a fork unless they can learn to use a napkin. I do not like correcting them at the table, but at the same time, bad manners really drive me up a wall. Please help.

Happy New Year,
Melissa Welch

Dear Ms. Welch,

Happy New Year to you. Your letter, I’m sorry to say, presents a couple of puzzlements:

First, why on earth would you take manners advice from someone who would publicly interfere with your gentle parenting? (Table manners are important, but so is respecting a parent’s right to educate her children as she sees fit. Your brother’s etiquette gaffe was greater than a mere matter of utensils.)

And second, what exactly does your brother propose that the shellfish fork be used for, if not to extract shellfish from its shell? Outside of very informal meals (for instance, at a restaurant with sawdust on the floor), crab (or lobster) is extracted from its shell with a shellfish fork (it’ll be the smallest fork at your place setting) or another utensil. And outside of picnics and the like, meat on the bone (a chicken leg, for instance) is eaten with knife and fork first; after as much meat as possible has been removed, the diner may pick up the bone with both hands and remove the last pieces; however, at a very formal table, this behavior might look a bit odd.

Your daughters need to learn how to behave at the table. A young girl who licks her fingers at the table might, in some circles, be considered "cute" -- but this behavior will turn into a social handicap very soon (imagine a finger-smacking businesswoman dining with clients, or a bridesmaid at a formal reception with her hands in her mouth). At ten years old, a daughter perhaps ought not be chastised in restaurants (this is where a stern parental look can come in handy), but at home, you will have to instruct your children in table manners. They’re certainly not going to learn them from television or, it seems, their uncle.

I hope this answer is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles