January 18, 2006: "Technological Advances in Etiquette"

Dear Social Grace,

I suspect that you may have already addressed this question, but I will ask it nonetheless: Is it acceptable to send a thank-you note via e-mail?

Also, is there a limit on the amount of time that may elapse between the gift/service and the thank-you note? The sooner, the better, of course, but is never better than extremely tardy?

Thank you,
A Fan in Nevada

Dear Nevadan Madam or Sir,

As a matter of fact, I’m ready to change my official stance on e-mailed thank-you notes. No longer do I espouse the notion that e-mailed thank-you notes are merely "better than nothing" -- instead, I now believe that e-mailed thank-you notes have become, well, better than "better than nothing."

This radical shift is, in part, a nod to the many people (a strong majority, according to a 2001 poll by the Emily Post Institute) who feel that the expression of gratitude is as important as, if not more important than, the medium of that expression.

First, I should describe what’s "wrong" with e-mailed thank-you notes, from the etiquette stickler’s point of view: E-mail can seem a bit too "easy" -- you press a few keys and you’re done. It’s so much more temporary and more intangible than a letter in a mailbox. And e-mail is still relatively new -- in our times, etiquette rules are much slower to change than technology, because those rules are rooted in history and social custom.

But the general ban on e-mail thank-you notes is relaxing as more people become accustomed to the technology, and as e-mail use becomes more widespread. So for many notes, especially for informal-ish ones, and in many cases where you're writing to someone who uses e-mail a lot (and with whom you often communicate digitally), an e-mail thank-you note is probably just fine. Certainly, e-mail has become the standard for most professional communication (though a job interview at a conservative sort of company might indeed call for a handwritten thank-you letter as well as an e-mail).

Keep in mind that paper does add a bit of weight to the thoughts expressed thereon -- and a nice thank-you note might even end up in a keepsake box, for future generations to marvel at (this is much less likely to happen with e-mail). For formal, or deeply felt, gratitude, or if you have reason to express thanks to an old-fashioned sort of person (especially for dinner or an overnight stay in his or her home), put pen to paper. And I hasten to add that a mass-sent e-mail thank-you note (for instance, a "Thanks for the gifts" e-mail sent to everyone who gave you a wedding present) is a gross misuse of e-mail technology.

Finally, as for timing: late is always better than never (with thank-you notes, at least) . . . and you can certainly apologize for your tardiness in the note.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles