February 8, 2006: "Mystery Guests"

This week’s first question has come up, in different forms, a couple of times before. It can be summed up thus: “How do I word a formal invitation in a way that lets guests know that they will be paying for their own dinners?” The answer, dear ones, is that you cannot do that: Guests at a formal affair do not buy their own meals (unless the affair is a fund-raiser).

Luckily, a dinner party (or, as in this week’s letter, an engagement party) doesn’t have to be formal to be delightful and meaningful. Forcing the trappings of formality onto an informal occasion (sending out formal invitations for a Super Bowl potluck, say) is confusing for your guests -- not charming (as it might, at first, seem).

Dear Charles,

My sister is having an engagement party for my fiancé and me at a restaurant that isn't very cheap. We're having trouble trying to word our invitations to tell our guests that they will need to pay for their own meals. How can we word that and not sound rude? Thanks so much, I appreciate your help!

Sincerely,
Amy

Dear Amy,

It would be incorrect to issue formal invitations for such an event, because your sister is not, strictly speaking, hosting it. She is organizing it. (At a dinner party, a host feeds his or her guests. An organizer lets people know where and when a split-the-check affair will take place.)

And there is a perfectly proper way to let people know that you’re organizing a celebratory dinner at which everyone involved will be a "co-host": by phone or another informal method (no matter how fancy the restaurant is, this is not a formal occasion). Here's one way that conversation might go, for your sister:

"I'm organizing a group of people who want to celebrate Amy and Gustav's engagement with a dinner at Chez Bistro. Would you like to be involved? I'll take care of making the reservations, if you can let me know by Friday. Dinners at Chez Bistro usually run to about $30 per person, and each person will be responsible for his or her own dinner."

Alternatively, I might suggest that your sister host an event that better suits her budget. An engagement party doesn’t require an expensive dinner. It requires only an engaged couple and some loving friends and family.

I hope this answer is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

Dear Charles,

My wife and I got married a couple of months ago. We were very careful in recording the wedding gifts; however, we have a gift of some money that "slipped through the cracks.” We have no gifts on record for three of my wedding guests (friends). Of course, we want to acknowledge receipt of the money by sending a thank-you note. However, we don't know to whom we owe a thank-you note for the cash. Should I ask these three wedding guests whether they gave us this money? If so, how is the best way to ask without offending anyone (we’re afraid it will seem as though we're hinting that we're expecting a gift from the ones who didn’t give us anything)?

Sincerely,
Brandon

Dear Brandon,

You do present a pickle of a predicament -- but it could be worse: I once had a letter from a bride who had lost her entire record of who gave what. A frightening thought!

I suggest that you write a short note to each friend, in which you thank him or her for coming to the wedding (and explain how much his or her presence meant to you, and so on). Make no mention of gifts.

The person who gave you the money may just feel adequately thanked with that (and the people who didn't will just be happy to receive a nice note); otherwise, the gift-giver will be alerted to the fact that you may not have received the gift, at which point he or she can ask you whether you received it (and you can then say something like "We were hoping someone would step forward and ask about that gift, we've felt just awful about losing track of who gave it to us" -- and follow up with a second note).

For everyone’s benefit, I’ll note that if you do not receive an acknowledgement for a gift you’ve given, it is perfectly polite to contact the giftee and ask whether the gift was received.

I hope this answer is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles