March 2007: Mail Call

Dear Charles,

I am inviting to a formal dinner two dear friends who are lesbians. Do I send individual invitations, or should I put both names on the envelope?

Sincerely,
Ligia

Dear Ligia,

I hope you will be relieved to know that, when it comes to dinner parties, lesbians are no different from anyone else. I assume that we’re talking about two ladies who live together: If they are roommates, you send a formal invitation to each. If they are a couple, you send them one invitation, with both of their names on the envelope.

Traditional etiquette says that unmarried couples who live together do not get the benefit of an “and” on a formal envelope (that is, their names are stacked on it), while married couples do. However, in many cases where two people (of the same sex or of different sexes) are married in everything but name (especially if “marriage” is not an option for them), I suggest that an “and” may be the right way to go.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

Dear Charles,

I recently contacted my future mother-in-law and asked her to provide me with a list of people she would like to invite to my upcoming wedding. She replied that there were many people who have known her son over the years, and that some she would like to invite some and send “an announcement” to others.

I am not familiar with all the wedding etiquette that has developed over the years; however it seems to me that sending a wedding announcement is tantamount to saying, “You were not good enough to invite to the wedding, but send a gift anyway.” Am I correct in this thinking, and if so, how do I tell my mother in law that I do not want to send announcements?

Thank you,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Wedding announcements are not new -- and they are not rude. (What is new is the modern wedding extravaganza -- in the past, it was more common that only a couple's very close family and friends attended their wedding, so announcements were more necessary.)

But announcements are properly sent only to people whom you're sure want to, or need to, know about the marriage -- people who love you, or people whom you socialize with relatively frequently, or people whom you correspond with regularly. (Unlike in days gone by, the modern couple is likely to have invited anyone who might conceivably fit this description.) They needn't be sent to your third-grade teacher, the nice waiter from that restaurant you used to like, and everyone you or your husband-to-be has ever met.

And receiving an invitation obligates a person only to send congratulations. A gift is not necessary.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

Dear Charles,

What is the proper way to insert a folded birthday card into an envelope? Folded side in first or open side in first?

Thanks,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

The folded side should go in first -- perhaps so that a recipient who uses a letter opener won't accidentally slice the fold (or perhaps “just because”). And the front of the card should face the back of the envelope -- perhaps so that the recipient will see the design immediately upon opening the envelope and be all the more delighted to have received your card.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles