April 2007: None of Our Business!

Dear Charles,

I was sitting next to two female colleagues who were talking, and it became apparent that one's husband was not living with her, so I looked down and saw she was no longer wearing her wedding ring. I didn't know whether it was more polite/kind to inquire, or to not inquire. What I did do was ask someone else later, which I don't think was best, and then I wrote the woman a note to say I was sorry she was going through that.

So what do you think about acknowledging overheard important events?

Sincerely,
Carol

Dear Carol,

I think that a coworker's divorce is absolutely none of our business -- and we should neither ask nor comment about it -- unless she speaks to us about it directly. As enjoyable (and occasionally unavoidable) as eavesdropping is, we mustn’t treat it like information we receive personally.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles



Dear Charles,

I have a problem that I thought you might be able to help me with. We are planning to have a party in our backyard for my brother’s 50th birthday and another party for my son’s graduation. The neighbors that live directly behind us have a leaky roof and have had a bright blue tarp on it for about a year and a half. They have it held down with sandbags and an old piece of furniture. We have just landscaped our yard and it turned out beautiful. Everything is perfect, except this tarp situation. Would it be rude to approach our neighbors? We do not know them well, but are on a first name basis. I’m sure that the tarp does not affect them at all, since it is on their roof, out of sight, but it is pretty much all we see when we go out in out beautiful backyard. I can barely stand another day of it! Any suggestions?

Thank you,
Kerry

Dear Kerry,

A polite request would not necessarily be rude, no. You would be within your rights if you truly feel that this tarp infringes unnecessarily on your enjoyment of your home.

But if you have no authority backing up your request (that is, no neighborhood association with rules or guidelines about how residents must keep up their homes, for instance -- or even a group of similarly concerned neighbors), I just can't imagine this request going well.

I'm sure that these people know they have a tarp and a piece of furniture on their roof. They are leaving it there for one of two reasons:

1. Roof repair can be extremely expensive -- perhaps they can't afford it (in this case, your request might embarrass them terribly).

2. They are the type of people who don't care that their house is in a shocking state of disrepair (in this case, your request will create ill will with unpleasant people, who might decide that the sound of the fountain in your lovely backyard yard is disturbing the peace -- and so the 20-year feud begins).

Personally, I wouldn't want to risk either for a problem that is (I suspect) much larger in your eyes than it will be in the eyes of the people who visit your beautifully landscaped backyard.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles