June 2007: Inviting Behavior

Dear Charles,

I was recently invited to dinner by a vendor who was thanking me for a referral that I sent to her. She scheduled the dinner for a weekend night, and I felt bad about leaving my girlfriend behind during the weekend for a business-related dinner. I initially declined and said that a weekend night was not good for me because it was our personal time together due to our work schedules. The vendor then apologized for not extending the offer to my girlfriend initially, and invited her, too.

Was this inappropriate?

Sincerely,
Karen in Louisiana

Dear Karen,

Sometimes our careers do take us away from our loved ones on weekends, as disappointing as that may be. Business dinners are a fact of professional life for many of us, and our spouses or spouse equivalents are not invited to many of them.

It's perfectly fine to say "No, thank you" or "I'm sorry; I'm not available that night" or even "I appreciate the gesture, but a dinner really isn't necessary" to a vendor who invites you to a social business dinner. That is your right. It is, however, inappropriate to seem to ask a host to extend another invitation to dine (come-one-come-all types of parties and so on are a different story, obviously).

Now, I’m speaking generally. Every relationship is different, and your relationship with this person may be such that this was not a problem at all. I hope that is the case.

And I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

Dear Charles,

I am turning 40 soon (I can't even believe it, and neither can other people).

My very kind boyfriend is helping me throw a party, and I have a very important question for you:

I do like the idea of getting gifts; however, I would prefer gift certificates, so I can simply get stuff I need and want. In the past, I have received gifts that I just couldn't use or didn't like, and it was hard for me to be excited when opening the gift in front of the person. I know the saying "It’s the thought that counts," but I have just told my friends to not give me anything for birthdays and holidays, to solve the problem.

So I thought I would have my boyfriend put on the invitation something saying that gift cards and gift certificates would be greatly appreciated, along with a long list of choice places to get them.

What do you think of that idea? How many places on my list is too many? How do I suggest a price? I mean I don't want people to feel they need to spend a lot; I would be happy for $20 or so. Do I even worry about that?

Thank you for your time.

Turning 40 in San Francisco

Dear Turning 40,

Frankly, I think the entire idea is repulsive, I’m sorry to say.

It is impolite and incorrect (and many people think it looks exceedingly tacky) to put any information about gifts into an invitation. I'm afraid that we mature adults are, in fact, expected to value our friends' feelings more than the gifts they give us. We are expected to truly keep in mind that the thought does count more than the gift, and to therefore treat each genuine gift as a delightful surprise.

If someone asks your boyfriend what you might like as a gift, of course, he can direct him or her. Otherwise, I suggest putting the entire idea of gifts out of your mind. An obsession with presents can be sort of cute in a four-year-old. In a 40-year-old, it is unseemly in the extreme.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

For more on invitations and gifts -- and an exception to my “treat each gift as a delightful surprise” rule -- see this archived PlanetOut.com column.