July 22, 2006: Who Goes First?

Dear Social Grace,

When I arrive for work and enter an office with several people in it -- especially one at the front desk whom I see every day -- who should say “hello” first?

This is driving me crazy. Every day, I come in and say, "Hi, how are you today?" to the person at the front desk. If I didn't, she would never even acknowledge my presence. Once in a while I get mad and say nothing when I enter, but this doesn't work. She feels that it is my responsibility to speak first.

Sincerely,
Joanne

Dear Joanne,

It would be hard to lay down rules about who says "hello" first when two acquaintances (or strangers) encounter each other. "Hello" is used in so many different ways.

For instance, it can be a way of getting someone's attention; in that case, the first person to notice the other would say “hello” first. It can also be a way of expressing welcome; in that case, the person in a "host" position (a store clerk, for instance) might say it first. And saying "hello" can also, apparently, be used in a game of social one-upmanship, as you're using it; in this case, it seems that the person who says “hello” first ... loses? (I'm not sure that I understand how your game works.) Here in 21st-century North America, you will come across very few “do not greet unless greeted” (or speak until spoken to) situations; in places where those situations do exist, however, the person who must speak first is usually in the position of power.

It is polite (and just plain smart) to wish the people you work with a "good morning" or to say "hello" (or even to smile and nod a greeting) as you meet them each day. But if you can't manage to do so without feeling resentful, you have my permission to skip these pleasantries. (And work sometimes takes precedence over small talk. You can't demand a “hello” from a colleague who is, say, hurrying to her next meeting or talking to a client on the phone.)

You seem to feel that your front-desk colleague is rude and ought to be punished. Well, here’s what I say to that: Sometimes, one finds oneself to be more polite than one's colleagues. When that happens, it's usually wiser to maintain one's standards than to lower them to the common denominator. You can sometimes teach good manners by example -- you can’t teach them by angry retaliation or by being rude yourself.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles

Dear Social Grace,

I am in desperate need of advice. We just got married recently and have finally moved into our new home (two months ago). Now we have a lot of family and friends who are offended because they haven’t seen our new place, but no one has asked to come over. Are we to invite them over? Formally? It just seems a little ridiculous since we are just trying to adjust to our new life. Please help so we can relieve this tension and move forward.

Thank you,
Marisa

Dear Marisa,

No, you don't have to issue a formal invitation -- but you’re going to have to at least communicate with your aspiring guests somehow, if only to let them know when you’ll be at home.

For most people, the unannounced “pop-by” visit is reserved for very close relationships. If you don't mind pop-by guests, you'll have to let your family and friends know that your door is always open (and then it will have to always be open), or perhaps set up “visiting hours.” Otherwise, it's quite common practice to talk to one’s friends and relations and plan visits.

New homes aren't always ready to receive guests (neither are newlyweds, for that matter). For this reason and many others, inviting oneself to someone's home is widely considered impolite.

In short, your telepathic invitations aren't working; you might just have to pick up the phone.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles