October 2006: Social Event or Sales Event?

Dear Charles,

I have quite the dilemma. I'm living in the suburbs (which, of course, in itself is quite a problem, but there's more!). The popularity of in-home selling demonstrations seems to have taken over.

The etiquette here is blurred or disregarded. For example, tonight my group was supposed to have book club. Instead, the time and place were changed to accommodate a book-club member's demonstration. Now the book club meeting is combined, yes combined, with this jewelry demonstration. The jewelry demo is to start at 7:15, and the book-club start is pushed back to 8:30.

I kindly bow out of home demonstrations because the social obligation of the sale is disgusting to me. I try to be a considerate person, hence I feel guilty not buying something at these things. I avoid careless spending, so I bow out. The ladies in my social circle don't seem to observe this about me, and they keep sending invitations.

Instinct tells me that any peep of protest from me will evoke swift harsh response within my acquaintance circles. My approach up until now has to avoid the subject or offer kindly an excuse. But now that book club has been compromised, I'm more annoyed. I won't be attending either event this evening.

The truth is, I will probably continue to just ignore the spam, the personal invitations, and the snail mail. I'll try not to stew inside about it (especially the spam!). What is your advice or opinion on this?

Thank you.
C in Philadelphia, PA

Dear C,

Generally speaking, it’s safe to say that unsolicited commercial e-mails may be deleted without a response -- even when they come from neighbors and acquaintances. Spam is a fact of modern life; you’re quite right that it won’t do us any good to get upset about it.

Even better, however, when one receives an invitation that one cannot accept -- even if one finds it mildly repugnant -- is to decline it (with graceful gratitude if one can muster some). In your current situation, something as simple as "How kind of you to include me, but although I was very much looking forward to discussing this month’s novel, I won't be able to attend the jewelry-selling event" would’ve gotten your message across quite nicely, I’d say.

But being polite need not prevent you from expressing your desire that your book club limit itself to literary discussion and perhaps a canapé or two. When your book club next meets, you could voice your objection this way: "Friends, I enjoy our book-club discussions so very much -- I look forward to them for days in advance. So although I know how much some of you enjoy home ‘product parties,’ I’d like to propose that our scheduled book-club evenings be reserved for book-club activities." If this is met with disgruntlement, it may be time to find, or create, a new book club.

Do keep in mind that part of having good manners is trying to assume that other people’s intentions are good, even when their actions are annoying. Assume that your friends want to include you and spend time with you, and let that temper your distaste for their proposed "social" events. There’s nothing inherently rude about at-home selling parties (a great many people do enjoy them) -- as long as they’re not disguised as something else, or forced on unwitting guests. So it could be worse: I’ve received letters from people who were "ambushed" by home sales events when they thought they were attending a true party. (And trust me on this: When a host pulls this sort of stunt, you are under no social obligation whatsoever to purchase anything!)

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Charles