Rude Americans?
October 17, 2005

Once a year or so, a national "rudeness" poll is conducted in the United States. Invariably, the polltakers conclude that Americans are ruder than ever before. And in the few days that follow the release of the researchers' findings, American rudeness is big news. "Our crazy modern world" (and its new technologies, entertainments, and so on) is trotted out as the primary culprit. Journalists and interviewees alike wax nostalgic for a simpler, more-polite past.

The latest such news story came out over the AP wires on Friday, October 14. (Click here to read the story.)

But don't you believe it.

For as long as people have had a sense of what "good manners" are, people have decried their decline and, as this most recent article does, declared them at a "breaking point." Our times are no exception.

The past was not perfect, either. You can't point to any era and say, "Ah! That was when everyone was polite." Someone interviewed for this recent AP article seems to long for the era of the TV show "Father Knows Best." Now, I wholeheartedly agree that modern inventions such as reality television and camera cell phones have created new behavioral problems. But the United States of the 1950s was no courtesy utopia. It had its good points, sure, but the 1950s were also a time of institutionalized racism and sexism, and widespread oppression.

Can 2005 be characterized by a large number of loud, selfish, indiscreet people? You bet. Would I trade 2005 for 1955? No way -- I don't care how charming the earlier era's TV families were.

Etiquette and behavior are supposed to change with the times. Change unsettles many of us in the etiquette biz, but not all change is bad. For instance, in this article, "holding doors for a female" is cited as one example of courteous behavior that is on the decline. However, the article doesn't note that this door-holding-for-ladies stuff is not always appropriate in the workplace, where, nowadays, you ought not treat ladies and gentlemen too differently. This is a nuanced issue and a good example of something that's changing in our times (I fear that not acknowledging this fact will make many readers believe that "etiquette" is out of touch -- a bunch of irrelevant frivolity).

I look forward to a future in which anyone can hold a door for anyone else without worrying about gender roles.

Another thing that bothers me about these articles is that we can't know how valid the poll responders' complaints are. Very often, when someone says, "People are so rude!" he's really saying, "People won't let me have my way!" According to this recent poll, "the most common complaint about rudeness . . . was aggressive or reckless driving." Yes, rude drivers are a real problem. But have you ever noticed who complains the loudest about rude drivers? That's right: even ruder drivers -- the jerks who lean on the horn and shout obscenities when another car dares to block their path for a moment.

Go ahead -- ring up one of these people and ask, "Is courtesy on the decline?" You can be sure he or she will respond with an emotional plea for better manners on the freeway.

The worst thing about these stories is their underlying message: "People are rude. There's nothing to be done. Only a sucker would be polite if no one else is going to do it." This attitude is the real problem -- too many people are using others' rudeness as an excuse to be rude themselves. Here's the thing -- and it's very important: Sometimes, you have to be polite even when no one around you is. Others' bad behavior doesn't have to affect your behavior. This fundamental idea is missing from every "rude Americans" article I've read.

Anyway, I'd rather see articles that explored the ways our social behavior was changing and evolving. This would give people information, instead of leading them to believe that there is no hope. And there is hope. There are plenty of polite Americans -- who turn their telephones off during dinner and while socializing with one another (as is only proper), and are therefore likely to miss telephone calls from opinion pollsters.